A Hollow House

My son has moved out and only the cat and I remain. The walls are bare after having the place painted to sell. Boxes were packed up and moved out yesterday. My home is a hollow shell of what it was. It feels strangely like the day I moved in 5 years ago. It is just that empty. Back at the beginning it had not been renovated and I didn’t know what lay ahead. It was a new life full of possibilities. I bought the townhouse for myself and my autistic son to start anew. So many good things happened for him in those 5 years. He developed a very full life in our town. He had a job, a church, and a therapeutic support system. My life was focused on making a good life for him while also earning a living. Unfortunately after a lifetime of living in large cities like NY, Boston and Tokyo, I never adjusted to the small town life here.

A year ago I decided it was time to make a change. I had always envisioned moving west at some point in the future and even though I’m not retired yet, I decided to do this sooner rather than later. I explored a few possibilities. I was considering New Mexico and Colorado but most of all I was interested in Arizona. I resumed a search that I had started in 2008. Back then I went out to Scottsdale, Prescott and Sedona to see if I would like living in AZ. For several reasons it wasn’t the right time but I was intrigued with how different AZ was from all the places I had lived before. I felt happy there because there was so much sun. I noticed a difference in myself. I felt energetically in tune with the area.

In 2016 I made several trips out to Arizona and Colorado to explore. The act of exploration was rewarding and fun and a new lifestyle emerged. It gave me hope again. I felt that there were possibilities for my future after all. Getting him on board with this move was not easy. After all, he was very content in the northeast in a small town even though he had grown up in Brooklyn and NYC. He didn’t want to leave and I tried to find a way for him to stay without me but it wasn’t going to be possible. I found a program in Phoenix and he’s there now. They are teaching him life skills in order to transition into some sort of supportive living program later. He is 26 years old. I never had the empty nest that my friends experienced when our kids came of age. Mothers of disabled adults are never free.

Right now I’m looking back and forward at the same time. The past is done, over, finished. I don’t get any do-overs. The future is hopeful but still uncertain. The home that I moved into with anticipation is hollow and empty but I am not. There was a life here. There are so many good memories and most of all I expressed myself creatively here. I did renovations and designs that I am so proud of. It gives me a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction to arrive at this point. There was nothing left for me to do here. I was stuck last year and I knew that if life continued that way for another 5 years, nothing was going to change or get better.

Aging is full of unknowns. Health issues can’t be predicted. Even practicing all the best health habits can still result in an unexpected illness down the road. That is why I decided to make a big change now. I couldn’t afford to wait. One small go round with cancer was enough to wake me up and make me grasp the present fully. We always hope that a new place will be a better place but it doesn’t always turn out that way. There are no guarantees on change.

However, feeling hopeful is a refreshing change in and of itself. My experiences over the last 12 months were exciting¬†and fun. The process was extremely enjoyable. I’ll never forget that. My son has made strides in his new program and he feels more hopeful about his future without me because chances are, he’ll be around long after I’m gone. It’s important to create win-win situations with our loved ones. Everyone deserves to be happy and fulfilled, even mothers.

 

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What We Imagine vs. What Really Happens

When we manifest our visions they often turn out to be different than what we pictured but we still get the spiritual lessons that we are supposed to have.

The pictures we have of what we are going to create are never the same as what actually happens. We play with a future vision that is a fantasy and then when it starts to take form we are surprised at what it really looks like. You can say this about all of life’s milestones like marriage, child birth, a new job, a new project, a new relationship and a new home. We believe that it is definitely “going to be better” than the last time. I was sure I would be be a better mother with my second baby and do things completely differently. What I didn’t anticipate was that he was a completely different human being that required a whole new set of parenting skills. Approaching new experiences in life is really about spiritual unfoldment. Painful lessons might lie ahead mixed with the joy and tears. Life is never perfect. We know that from experience and we can never imagine the things that end up coming our way.

I’ve been envisioning this move to AZ for a year now. It started last February. I made several trips there to explore all the possibilities. Eventually though, I had to make a decision about where to start. First I found a program for my son so that he was taken care of. I sent him off to AZ first. He is very brave! Now I’m taking the next step in that journey which is to put my toes in the water. It is harder to get myself out there than it was to send my son. Settling him into his adult autism program last January was so much more complicated than I ever imagined. Figuring out how to get his things out there was the biggest challenge of all. Now it’s my turn to ¬†go through that “birth”.

When I was younger I just took the plunge foolishly into new experiences because you can get away with that when you’re young. Now, after a lifetime of mistakes (and some very bad experiences with change) I have learned that you have to do this step by step and not destroy what you have already created. There is always good in our “now”. There will even be better things in our future. That doesn’t mean that we can ever avoid the pitfalls, wrong turns, mistakes and unexpected catastrophes. One thing I have learned though is that I have to keep the movement going forward or else I start to spiral down. So when you get discouraged with anything, just remember to keep moving forward. As one therapist said to me “just put one foot in front of the other”. That was the best advice I ever received.

#change, #moving, #transitions, #movingcrosscountry